Adventures

Have you ever tried something new? A new food? Maybe a new hair style? New clothing? Anything different?

Well every time you try something new, it's an adventure! A new beginning, a new path to discovering who YOU really are! And I'm ready! Ready for a new path in life, achieving a better me, for me as well as my family....

Sound mysterious? Lol! It's not, really. I'm starting as a new Mary Kay consultant! See, not so scary, right?


But it is. Someone used to tell me that it takes money to make money. So when my grandma sent me $100 for my birthday, I decided to invest it in me, and my new business.

So this week I become a new me, with what I hope will be a new career. And I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little scared because that's money I could have used for other things and I'm new to being a sales person. But that's what life is about! About doing new things, achieving new goals, accomplishing yourself.

So here's to my new venture! May it be a profitable and life changing event!

Is Anything Ever Enough?

I used to get up every day at 3 or 4pm and be at the strip club by 6:30. I worked my ass off all night to make tips and $20's to make ends meet. I was so tired of men ogling me and trying to touch me, but I had to do what I had to do to help mine and my families situation. I hated the lifestyle but loved the lime light, loved never having to worry about when the next payday was coming and if it would be enough.

These days, I sit at home, figuring ways to cut corners to make each of my husband's checks last until the next. Stressed? You could say that. I worry constantly about what bills are paid, what bills are due, over due, late. What am I going to have to do without to make sure my kids won't have to.

When I was making money, I was always stressed about making more. It was never enough. I hated my life. But now, I miss it.

I don't really want to dance again, I just look back and wonder what if, a lot. I have the basics, food, clothes, power, water, etc. But I miss randomly going to dinner, buying expensive perfumes, getting my nails done and redone for no reason. I loved the benefits of my life, even though I hated the means.

These days, every time I want something, I look back and feel like I'm wasting away doing nothing. I need something. Something more. But what it is, I don't know. I mean I always seem to stay afloat. But there's never anything extra. It saddens me when my daughter is the only kid who can't afford certain things. I try to give her everything and still teach her it's okay to have to accept the answer "no". But really, it hurts my heart to say it.

I grew up with a mom that worked two jobs to allow my sister and I trips to Disneyland and decent clothes, field trips, dances. It sucks to have grown up with everything and to know you can't give your child any of it.

I'm not afraid of work. I just know, as a wise man once told me, sometimes it takes money to make money. I'm willing to do anything go provide for my kids. Daycare costs as much as I'll make on minimum wage. It's so frustrating!

When I was a dancer, I never felt like I was truly loved. But I had money! Now that I feel truly loved, ha ha, I'm broke. What is ever enough? "Is anything ever enough?", says the girl who's had everything, never at the same time, never at the right time.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

My 6&1/2 month old started crawling! At first I thought I was just imagining things, but then I saw her. She just took off! No more just laying and rolling, Zoe Jane is mobile!

I can't sleep in, I can't just shower when I please, I'm on constant guard because this little one is into EVERYTHING! Yesterday I hear this jingling sound as I tried to use the restroom.... I come out and she's got my ceramic piggy bank just having a blast! I can't even go to the bathroom!

Busy, busy, busy! This child of mine no longer cries and waits to be picked up, she crawls right over and tugs on your toes, lol! Nothing is safe. It's like she's a predator in the wild, always on the prowl. Oh and do not try to walk away, she'll chase you! All you hear is this little pitter patter oh chunky baby legs hitting the floor as she stalks you down the hall!

My oldest loves that her baby sister chases her through the house, but for me I see my baby starting on the path to growing up. It makes me a little sad to know that my little tiny baby isn't so little and tiny any more, but I'm excited for the moments to come. First steps, first words, first day of school, first recital, God forbid, her first kiss. My baby will only be a baby for so long, you know?

But in the mean time, this little girl is BUSY!

Baby Fat....

I Was reading a blog today on Babble.com about mothers who immediately lost their baby belly opposed to "real" mommy bellies and I asked myself, is there such a thing as a "fake" mommy belly? Or is this blog in existence only because someone did NOT lose the baby weight and may have a teensy tiny bit of "haterism" going on?

See, I am a new mommy for the second time around. With my first child, I only gained 9lbs and lost 30, the end result was that I looked HOT! unfortunately, I wasn't so lucky this time around. I gained a whooping 76lbs! I've lost 30, but am still 50lbs over my goal weight.

This blog inspired me to ask myself a) am I jealous of those lean mommies who bounced back 30 seconds after birth? B) do I hate my postpartum belly? And c) was it worth losing my young, sexy figure?

To answer my first question, yes, I have a twinge of jealousy. I mean come on! What over weight mommy wouldn't be a teeny bit jealous of those tiny waisted "I gave birth 3 days ago," mommies? Wouldn't you want that waist?! I do!

B) no. To hate my belly would be to hate myself and my children who are represented by that belly. Do I always like my belly? Um, no. My bikini told me not to. To love my belly would be to settle for my belly and to become the statistical mom who lets herself go. So I may not like my belly all the time, but I love what it represents!

C) yes. It was worth losing those young curves because guess what? I CAN GET THEM BACK! a little extra gym time, healthy foods, lots of water and I'm a rubber band man! Watch me bounce back! And I wouldn't trade my two precious girls for Tyra Banks' belly! They're my world!

This Babble.com article asked mothers with "real" mommy bellies to post a pic to show other moms that they aren't the only ones with a little baby fat. Of course I was the first to do so! Maybe the only one who will. Some people lack my IDGAF! attitude, some are more conservative, some are embarrassed. But I am not ashamed! My momma taught me that I am beautiful in every way, no matter shape nor size! So baby fat be damned! Here's my belly, love it or don't, I do!

Positive experiences for tween girls: Barbie Gets a Tattoo

Positive experiences for tween girls: Barbie Gets a Tattoo

For Ross.... May You Live Forever in Me!

I never will forget,
that fateful day we met,
 So many years gone by,
now you're gone.... Why?
Did nobody see the signs?
all the while you flew so high?
I know I looked away,
never imagining this day.
The day when you would lay your head to rest and never wake again.

I remember the way you took me in, when I had nowhere to go,
You provided me with a best friend, and a home away from home.
You never let me down when I needed you to be there,
even when I drove you nuts, you always found a way to care.

Now you've gone and left me here, feeling so alone.
angry at myself for not helping you, I left you on your own.
I'm sorry Ross, for not returning the exact amount of love....
I know you must be watching me from Heaven up above....
So watch me grow and watch me learn to be,
a better person every day as i lay you to rest inside my heart so deep.
I swore I'd love you til the end of time, and though your time is done,
I'm still here and in me, through me with me, every day you will live on.


Ross J Salazar 4/06/82-11/13/09

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired....

Hello.... I've been gone a while again, this time with legitimate excuse.... I was sick. I mean REALLY sick.

I remember being thirteen and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't wake up. I was so tired and my head hurt so bad. My mom had to rush me to the ER only to watch me sleep through a spinal tap because I had Spinal meningitis. They said 5 more minutes would've made the difference between life and death. I was sick, so sick. I was also on isolation because meningitis is deadly and contagious.

At sixteen, I had this headache from Hell that wouldn't go away. nobody believed me how sick I felt because I was fine earlier in the day. They kept giving me aspirin, as if that could help. By 2am I was feverish, like 103 feverish. Rushed once more to the hospital, we found I had meningitis again and it was possible I would die. My mom was there every day, so were a few good friends, but once more, I was sick, really sick.

At seventeen I was diagnosed with a pituitary brain tumor. I felt so hopeless. They said I could never have children and it was so large that I probably wouldn't live passed the age of 21. I was terrified. I was gonna die for real this time. I couldn't eat, I lost 86lbs, I threw up water! Why was this happening to me? Was I that horrible of a person? Nobody understood. Everyone was too scared to face it so I had to do it alone. I remember staying up all night by myself the day before I turned 21 praying God would let me live. And He did.

I got pregnant a few weeks later. The doctors said to abort, I would die and the baby possibly would too. No. I had lived a life and I wasn't going to destroy one that never had a chance. Once again, nobody understood. I can still hear my mother saying, "That baby is going to kill my baby!"

Angelina is almost seven now. And Zoe Jane is three months today. Two weeks ago, I had to have a simple surgery to clear placental leftovers that had caused me to hemorrhage.There was an infection the doctors didn't catch that traveled through my blood stream and I feel ill, again. I had a fever of 103.8 and I was delirious. My husband rushed me to ER to be told I may have meningitis again. But after four spinal taps, I didn't. I was poked 29 times with needles because my veins kept bursting. I couldn't see my children because they didn't know what was wrong with me. I was receiving iv pain meds that were way to strong for me to handle. I couldn't eat, I couldn't stay awake. I was so sick.

I'm home, now. But I'm still on antibiotics and I'm still weak and tired. But I'll live. But I'm just so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm a survivor, that's for sure. Take this blog as an inspiration to anyone you know who is sick, has been sick, or may be sick. God works miracle's. On those who need miracles. Did I mention my tumor's gone? I'm gonna be fine..... And between me and you? So will you!