Is Anything Ever Enough?

I used to get up every day at 3 or 4pm and be at the strip club by 6:30. I worked my ass off all night to make tips and $20's to make ends meet. I was so tired of men ogling me and trying to touch me, but I had to do what I had to do to help mine and my families situation. I hated the lifestyle but loved the lime light, loved never having to worry about when the next payday was coming and if it would be enough.

These days, I sit at home, figuring ways to cut corners to make each of my husband's checks last until the next. Stressed? You could say that. I worry constantly about what bills are paid, what bills are due, over due, late. What am I going to have to do without to make sure my kids won't have to.

When I was making money, I was always stressed about making more. It was never enough. I hated my life. But now, I miss it.

I don't really want to dance again, I just look back and wonder what if, a lot. I have the basics, food, clothes, power, water, etc. But I miss randomly going to dinner, buying expensive perfumes, getting my nails done and redone for no reason. I loved the benefits of my life, even though I hated the means.

These days, every time I want something, I look back and feel like I'm wasting away doing nothing. I need something. Something more. But what it is, I don't know. I mean I always seem to stay afloat. But there's never anything extra. It saddens me when my daughter is the only kid who can't afford certain things. I try to give her everything and still teach her it's okay to have to accept the answer "no". But really, it hurts my heart to say it.

I grew up with a mom that worked two jobs to allow my sister and I trips to Disneyland and decent clothes, field trips, dances. It sucks to have grown up with everything and to know you can't give your child any of it.

I'm not afraid of work. I just know, as a wise man once told me, sometimes it takes money to make money. I'm willing to do anything go provide for my kids. Daycare costs as much as I'll make on minimum wage. It's so frustrating!

When I was a dancer, I never felt like I was truly loved. But I had money! Now that I feel truly loved, ha ha, I'm broke. What is ever enough? "Is anything ever enough?", says the girl who's had everything, never at the same time, never at the right time.