Busy, Busy, Busy!

My 6&1/2 month old started crawling! At first I thought I was just imagining things, but then I saw her. She just took off! No more just laying and rolling, Zoe Jane is mobile!

I can't sleep in, I can't just shower when I please, I'm on constant guard because this little one is into EVERYTHING! Yesterday I hear this jingling sound as I tried to use the restroom.... I come out and she's got my ceramic piggy bank just having a blast! I can't even go to the bathroom!

Busy, busy, busy! This child of mine no longer cries and waits to be picked up, she crawls right over and tugs on your toes, lol! Nothing is safe. It's like she's a predator in the wild, always on the prowl. Oh and do not try to walk away, she'll chase you! All you hear is this little pitter patter oh chunky baby legs hitting the floor as she stalks you down the hall!

My oldest loves that her baby sister chases her through the house, but for me I see my baby starting on the path to growing up. It makes me a little sad to know that my little tiny baby isn't so little and tiny any more, but I'm excited for the moments to come. First steps, first words, first day of school, first recital, God forbid, her first kiss. My baby will only be a baby for so long, you know?

But in the mean time, this little girl is BUSY!

Baby Fat....

I Was reading a blog today on Babble.com about mothers who immediately lost their baby belly opposed to "real" mommy bellies and I asked myself, is there such a thing as a "fake" mommy belly? Or is this blog in existence only because someone did NOT lose the baby weight and may have a teensy tiny bit of "haterism" going on?

See, I am a new mommy for the second time around. With my first child, I only gained 9lbs and lost 30, the end result was that I looked HOT! unfortunately, I wasn't so lucky this time around. I gained a whooping 76lbs! I've lost 30, but am still 50lbs over my goal weight.

This blog inspired me to ask myself a) am I jealous of those lean mommies who bounced back 30 seconds after birth? B) do I hate my postpartum belly? And c) was it worth losing my young, sexy figure?

To answer my first question, yes, I have a twinge of jealousy. I mean come on! What over weight mommy wouldn't be a teeny bit jealous of those tiny waisted "I gave birth 3 days ago," mommies? Wouldn't you want that waist?! I do!

B) no. To hate my belly would be to hate myself and my children who are represented by that belly. Do I always like my belly? Um, no. My bikini told me not to. To love my belly would be to settle for my belly and to become the statistical mom who lets herself go. So I may not like my belly all the time, but I love what it represents!

C) yes. It was worth losing those young curves because guess what? I CAN GET THEM BACK! a little extra gym time, healthy foods, lots of water and I'm a rubber band man! Watch me bounce back! And I wouldn't trade my two precious girls for Tyra Banks' belly! They're my world!

This Babble.com article asked mothers with "real" mommy bellies to post a pic to show other moms that they aren't the only ones with a little baby fat. Of course I was the first to do so! Maybe the only one who will. Some people lack my IDGAF! attitude, some are more conservative, some are embarrassed. But I am not ashamed! My momma taught me that I am beautiful in every way, no matter shape nor size! So baby fat be damned! Here's my belly, love it or don't, I do!

Positive experiences for tween girls: Barbie Gets a Tattoo

Positive experiences for tween girls: Barbie Gets a Tattoo

For Ross.... May You Live Forever in Me!

I never will forget,
that fateful day we met,
 So many years gone by,
now you're gone.... Why?
Did nobody see the signs?
all the while you flew so high?
I know I looked away,
never imagining this day.
The day when you would lay your head to rest and never wake again.

I remember the way you took me in, when I had nowhere to go,
You provided me with a best friend, and a home away from home.
You never let me down when I needed you to be there,
even when I drove you nuts, you always found a way to care.

Now you've gone and left me here, feeling so alone.
angry at myself for not helping you, I left you on your own.
I'm sorry Ross, for not returning the exact amount of love....
I know you must be watching me from Heaven up above....
So watch me grow and watch me learn to be,
a better person every day as i lay you to rest inside my heart so deep.
I swore I'd love you til the end of time, and though your time is done,
I'm still here and in me, through me with me, every day you will live on.


Ross J Salazar 4/06/82-11/13/09

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired....

Hello.... I've been gone a while again, this time with legitimate excuse.... I was sick. I mean REALLY sick.

I remember being thirteen and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't wake up. I was so tired and my head hurt so bad. My mom had to rush me to the ER only to watch me sleep through a spinal tap because I had Spinal meningitis. They said 5 more minutes would've made the difference between life and death. I was sick, so sick. I was also on isolation because meningitis is deadly and contagious.

At sixteen, I had this headache from Hell that wouldn't go away. nobody believed me how sick I felt because I was fine earlier in the day. They kept giving me aspirin, as if that could help. By 2am I was feverish, like 103 feverish. Rushed once more to the hospital, we found I had meningitis again and it was possible I would die. My mom was there every day, so were a few good friends, but once more, I was sick, really sick.

At seventeen I was diagnosed with a pituitary brain tumor. I felt so hopeless. They said I could never have children and it was so large that I probably wouldn't live passed the age of 21. I was terrified. I was gonna die for real this time. I couldn't eat, I lost 86lbs, I threw up water! Why was this happening to me? Was I that horrible of a person? Nobody understood. Everyone was too scared to face it so I had to do it alone. I remember staying up all night by myself the day before I turned 21 praying God would let me live. And He did.

I got pregnant a few weeks later. The doctors said to abort, I would die and the baby possibly would too. No. I had lived a life and I wasn't going to destroy one that never had a chance. Once again, nobody understood. I can still hear my mother saying, "That baby is going to kill my baby!"

Angelina is almost seven now. And Zoe Jane is three months today. Two weeks ago, I had to have a simple surgery to clear placental leftovers that had caused me to hemorrhage.There was an infection the doctors didn't catch that traveled through my blood stream and I feel ill, again. I had a fever of 103.8 and I was delirious. My husband rushed me to ER to be told I may have meningitis again. But after four spinal taps, I didn't. I was poked 29 times with needles because my veins kept bursting. I couldn't see my children because they didn't know what was wrong with me. I was receiving iv pain meds that were way to strong for me to handle. I couldn't eat, I couldn't stay awake. I was so sick.

I'm home, now. But I'm still on antibiotics and I'm still weak and tired. But I'll live. But I'm just so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm a survivor, that's for sure. Take this blog as an inspiration to anyone you know who is sick, has been sick, or may be sick. God works miracle's. On those who need miracles. Did I mention my tumor's gone? I'm gonna be fine..... And between me and you? So will you!

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue.....

That's right! I'm planning my Dream Wedding!

Yes, I'm already married, civilly. But I never got that fairy tale wedding that little girls dream of. Because we're Catholic, we are not considered married through the eyes of The Church. So we have to do it all over again and I'm gonna do it BIG!

I love color. Bright, bold, shiny colors! And I love birds, beautiful  birds. And I love elegance and class. So where did these loves of mine take me as to what my theme will be? PEACOCKS! Vintage hairdos are timelessly elegant and peacocks are boldly colored, poised, beautiful birds.

I had trouble finding a planner within my budget, so I'm planning myself with the help of three magnificent ladies, Dottie Smith from Spring Valley Lake Country Club, Sara from Blooms De Amore, and Cindy of C&T Event Decorators.

My mommy dearest will be helping with hair, my girlfriend Tina is on makeup, and I have three beautiful bridesmaids and a hot maid of honor to help me make my centerpieces of vases filled with green beads and peacock feathers....

My cake will be simple, three tiered white fondant with a different colored ribbon at each tier and a monogrammed cake topper with peacock feathers spilling out of the top....

My dress is a Cinderella ball gown from Alfred Angelo, shimmering beads everywhere! I can't wait to walk down the aisle!

Each bridesmaid will wear a different colored dress that ties into the theme and the groomsman's neckties will match.....

I still haven't picked the bouquets, but between you and me, I feel confident that this wedding will be one to remember.... For a lifetime!

Getting "Back On Track".....

It's been two weeks since I last posted, I apologize. Between balancing motherhood and wifedom, and trying to squeeze in a photo shoot here and there, I've been a little busy.

My baby cousin had a baby girl, 4lbs. She was in no way at all prepared. I remember my pregnancy with Angelina. Everyone wanted me to abort my pregnancy because A) I had what doctors had said to be a deadly brain tumor and B) her father wanted no part of my pregnancy. So I ran away to Las Vegas to try to find help. I ended up bouncing from home to home until I finally met a man who I thought actually cared. I still had no income except welfare that was barely getting food in my mouth, let alone paying bills.

I was at the welfare office when I noticed a door reading "Gang Intervention". Although I was basically in the streets, I wanted to help. I walk in and told the man in charge, "I have no money but I have plenty of time, what can I do?"

Alex Bernal is the gang coordinator for the Back On Track program in Las Vegas, as well as being my mentor. At the time I didn't realize I needed that program as much as any other kid there! But Alex knew.

He heard my story of running with gangs, drug abuse, broken childhood memories and my "forbidden" pregnancy and he reached out. He helped me to eat, found me somewhere to sleep. He took me under his wing and made me feel loved.

As the birth of my baby loomed over my head, getting closer and closer.... I fell short. I started to sell drugs to pay my bills and keep a roof over my head. I had nothing. Not a stitch of clothing, not even a diaper. I was lost. My family thought I was on drugs because I was out of control when it came to my bi polar disease and in and out of the hospital for pregnancy related issues. I had no one to turn to but Alex.

Angelina Laurelle Davis was born on November 19th, 2004 @ 11:20 am weighing 6lbs, 9ozs and 19 and a quarter inches long. I was scared. I was lost. I had a mirror in the room as I delivered alone. My family showed up later, but nobody was there when her beautiful face saw the world for the first time. No pictures or videos of my labor.... Just after.

As soon as my family left that day, I realized I was alone, again.... With no one to help me, to guide me. Postpartum depression kicked in and kicked my ass! I called my sister to come get my baby and I lost myself. I got high for the first time in five years, I got drunk and I took 25 pain killers as once and prayed for God to forgive me for ending my life. He forgave me, because I'm still alive, raising both of my beautiful babies.

I was lost in drug addiction for a while. Then Alex came along once again. He introduced me to Hope and together they kept me sober for while, helped me get clothes and food for my baby, put a roof over my head and sent me on the Greyhound back to California to get my daughter back after I had sent her away to get cleaned up.

But nobody believed I was sober..... My sister came one night and took my baby away and disappeared, calling 3 weeks later to say, " Meet at Joshua Court if you ever want to see your daughter again....."

I'd never even heard of Joshua Court! I had called the police, they were no help. My mother and father thought I was on drugs still, they didn't help. My baby was three months old and had been stolen. I was lost again. Back to the drugs I went to lose myself and hide from the pain.

Alex saw my actions and came in to guide me into sobriety, to hold my hand and pick me up off of the floor as people continued to walk all over me and knock me down again and again.

I became his daughter in a sense. Someone to love and to show right from wrong. He asked me to share my story to help others. And I did, I do.... Repeatedly. I can't bear the thought of another girl losing herself the way I did.

Alex Bernal, right, and Beetle, left, of Las Vegas' Back on Track program

Between you and me, I didn't know where I was going when I started this blog today, but I got there anyways. You don't get to pick your life. God has it mapped out before you are even conceived. And where you go, where you end up, and who you meet along the way is all in His plan for you. Thank you Alex, for being a part of His plan for me!

From "Working Mom" to "Soccer Mom"....

 A lot of people don't know that I became a mother at 21 with no family support and no job, quickly becoming homeless.....

 After my labor, I rapidly lost weight and welfare was not paying the bills. With no work history and a juvenile criminal record, finding a job wasn't easy. A girlfriend of mine kept urging me to try out at a local strip club in Las Vegas.... One thing nobody can ever deny is my need for attention and my competitive desire to be the best, so I danced. And I was GOOD at it!

 I worked at the Spearmint Rhino, the Mile High, Play it Again Sam's, Foxy Girls, Cheetah's and the Badabing for 5yrs, sometimes 16 hours a day.....

 During all this, I lost custody of my daughter because I am bi polar and refused to take my meds. I only had my daughter one week out of every month. And during that week each month, I would get off at 6am, come home, stay up til 8, feed my lil girl, sleep until noon, go out and do whatever it was she wanted to do and be back at work as soon as I tucked her in at 9pm.....


 Last May, I broke my hand on stage. I mean, the bones literally came out of my hand! So I decided to visit my sister in California, the one who had my 5yr old. That's when I met my husband, Ben. Three weeks later we were married.

 I quit dancing, I became a stay at home wife. I started taking my medicine, going to weekly therapy to overcome my anger at my family for not helping me, to learn it was ok to be bi polar if I managed it correctly with medicine and therapy.

 Angelina came to live with me that summer.... I put her in school, took her to church, had her baptised, went on outings.And before you know it, I was pregnant and giving birth to Zoe Jane! I am really good at this "Mom Thing"!

 So last week she tried out for soccer and MADE THE TEAM, yay!

 And that's how I went from being a working mom to a soccer mom, and between you and me, I've never been happier!

I Miss You.....

I never really got along with my mom..... Maybe we were just too much alike. I gave her hell as a child/teenager. I really wish I hadn't.

Somehow along the way, we repaired the damage. She came out to visit my family this last week and we had an awesome time. We set up the pool, had a beer as we played in the water.... We went to brunch at the Woodgrill Buffet.... We made dinner together.... We went shopping..... We were mother and daughter for the first time.

I dropped her off at the airport yesterday. I guess it's true.... The hardest thing in life is to say the words "Goodbye".

    Hey Mom, between me and you, I miss you!

Mommy's Here.....

My Mommy's Here! Those who know me, know my mother and haven't always seen eye to eye. We have had some literal knock down, drag out fights. But as I have gotten older, I have come to see that, while mother doesn't always know best, mother always tries to do best.

Two years ago, we were not close. Then she moved to Kansas and I realized I may have missed my chance. But after a long phone conversation and a lot of mutual apologies that came from finally understanding one another, we were okay. Not best friends, but okay.

After her visit to my sister's last March, I knew I wanted that close, loving bond a mother and daughter should have. We talked on the phone several times a week and grew close. Close enough to form a bond of love....

And now my mommy's here, visiting my home for the first time. I am so excited that I just want to pamper and spoil her! And I will.

Moral of this blog, a relationship between mother and child may not always be the best but it is forever, so make the best of it.... Between you and me!

<My Mommy>

Married to The Family....

I truly love my husband's family, his blood family that is. Let me explain....

When I met my husband, his older brother and fiance were living with him. My husband and his family are from Mexico, so sometimes there is a communication barrier we try to overcome. Only while I struggled to understand his brother's fiance, SHE SPOKE ENGLISH ALL ALONG! This she-devil spoke English and pretended NOT to so that she didn't have to speak to me! So I, oblivious to the situation, continued to try my best by loaning her things, cooking for her, inviting her everywhere I went. I really opened my heart and tried.

One day, I walk in to find her speaking English to my older sister. I was truly shocked and hurt. But all my husband could say was, "she's not from here, she doesn't understand...." I somehow ended up being the one to apologize foe not being a patient and understanding person. My husband just couldn't believe that she spoke English because she struggled so hard with learning it. Yeah, ok.

As time went by, the problem between my brother in law's fiance and I only grew worse to the point I lost it and told her to just get out of our house. Again, I'm the bad guy. She just happened to take along a few of our belongings, but again, I'm the bad guy.

My husband asks me to attend her wedding. Out of courtesy and respect of Ben, I go. As I approached the bride to congratulate her, she lifts her nose to the air and kept walking, ignoring me. Again, I should have tried harder.

I agree to spend Christmas Eve with his family. As she arrives, I tell myself that things will be different because his whole family is in the room. Snubbed again! Bitch!

So now I'm done. I have tried time and again to be polite, to understand. But I have given all I can give and taken all that I willingly will take. I refuse to be in the room with her. She will never hold my child. Yet my husband sits on the phone with her and when I ask who it is, he throws his finger in the air to put me on hold! So am I pissed? Hell yes I'm pissed! He storms outside like I'm the one in the wrong. Well he can sleep outside for all I care, right next to the dog..... Because he's in the dog house as far as I'm concerned!

So is marriage a bed of roses? At times. And at times it's a bed of manure. Would I trade my marriage? Not for anything in the world. I guess it's true what they say, you don't marry him, you marry his whole family..... Blood and extended. But that's between you and me.....

Rainy Day Fourth of July

So everybody expects the 4th of July to be sunny, crowded and an overall blast, right? WRONG! As we get to the Victorville Fairgrounds, The sky opens up and doesn't rain, that would be too nice of a relief from the smothering, hot humidity, but POURS! Thunderstorms and drenching rain pours down from the sky! As people run for cover I say to my husband, "We can't let 4th of July get ruined!" I came to see fire works,I wasn't leaving.

So eventually the heavens close and I noticed a "cheesy curly fry" booth, mmmmmmm, my favorite! And the sky broke open again! My husband ran for cover at the nearby bandstand with the kids as I stubbornly stand in the line because I was getting those gooey, yummy cheesy fries I know I shouldn't be eating as I try to lose weight for my next photo shoot. Did I mention that as I'm standing in the pouring rain, I was wearing a simple white cotton shirt? Free show over here!

I finally found my family at the bandstand to stay dry as a Micheal Jackson impersonator takes the stage.... Lol! If only you could have seen my 6yr old little girl's eyes light up as she danced to "Billy Jean"! We laughed and danced and sang along, oblivious to the water sneaking up, higher and higher around our ankles. But it was okay. Ben was feeding the baby, Angelina was dancing and we were having a good time despite the rain.

Games, prizes, cotton candy, funnel cake, and turkey legs,(in that order), later, the sky rips open once more, our newest shelter being the animal corrals. Have you ever smelled wet cows and horses?! Yuck! But we were together, having a blast.

The rain caused the fireworks to be late and a little damp, but the show went on. Six week old Zoe Jane slept through the multiple explosions but Angelina cried out in pleasure from the front row, laughing and oohing and aahhhhing all the time.And even though 4th of July is to celebrate our independence, for me it's an excuse to see my baby smile. Thunder and rain be damned! My baby girl smiled ALL day! And that's what life's about, the little things that make you smile and warm your heart.....

Moral of this blog, stubborn isn't always bad, sometimes a little determination makes you rather than break you.

Introducing Us.....

I'm new to this whole "blogging" thing. Let me start off by saying that I will not bore you with the every day housewife BULL**** that most women post on here. I am a real woman who has real drama and will share real details. I will NOT pretend that life is perfect like that brilliant summer day with hot apple, cherry or WHATEVER! pie sitting on the window ledge to cool. I am 28 years old and I've lived a crazy life of bi polar episodes, juvenile hall, group homes, stripping, violence. But that's not who I am today. That's what I've overcome. And this blog will be my way of inspiring those of you who feel like there's no hope for yourself, for your kids, for your grand kids.... So let's just keep it real, Between You & Me....